Archive for the ‘My own warped humour’ Category

The big question on everyone’s lips in the chess world these days is ‘What can chess players get from glue sniffers’ right?

To answer this, let’s look at the first line in the chorus of the song 3rd floor by the American thrash outfit Death Angel. ‘Welcome to the third floor, it’s a one-way trip then they lock the door’.

Take a look at this fellow:

Further discussion of this (I am an amused contributor) can be found here:

https://aseannow.com/topic/1308309-glue-sniffing-homeless-man-falls-from-third-floor-of-building-and-breaks-his-arm-in-pattaya/#comment-18394741

I asked there, which is the best floor in a hotel to sniff glue on, similarly, which floor of a building is the best floor to play chess on? To some degree this depends on whether you want to sniff some glue whilst playing and how high you want to go. Unfortunately FIDE has not presented us with any statistics on what percentage of chess players are glue sniffers, although the word on the street is approximately 70%. If true, then the safest floor must be the ground floor…not the third floor because (on the glue) it’s a one-way trip! If not true how high up do you want to be when you play chess? Top floor maybe? Whatever your answer may be, if you like to sniff glue whilst playing chess, I recommend you play chess on the ground floor!

MJM

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Where do cross-dressers go to play chess?

Trans-ylvania.

Yes, that’s all for now folks.

Mark

A drunken me and On, Winter 2017.

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Don’t ask me why but I went and did it last night. Played two 5 minute games on line. How did I allow this to happen? Is it because I am human filth? Probably.

An elation and some cider around 9pm last night put me in the mood for some chess. When it was done I punched myself in the face hard. I then ran onto the streets and tipped some bins over whilst screaming my head off. I returned and had a cold shower with my clothes on.

Today, to discourage myself further from more misadventure, I shall strip off in the street and throw one of my shoes in the sea. This evening, I shall sleep rough on the street. No blanket. No cider.

There can be no more of this online chess business. Remain banished it must. Should there be another incident like last night’s, I shall set fire to myself on the roof. And that’s that.

Comment from fan of site ‘er, ‘as ‘ee gone off online chess then?’

Reply from owner of site (me) ‘you ask anymore questions like that and I’ll smash your bloody face in!’

Comment from Webmaster ‘What’s he got so fired up about this time?’

Reply from owner of site (me) ‘Right! That’s it, you’re both dead.’

Comment from CEO of WordPress ‘Hey, stop using our platform to post content about chess that lacks decorum.’

Reply from owner of site (me) ‘You slag. You just wait. I’ll do you an ‘all.

MJM

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I am on a trip. I am on a train. A train to downtown. Food. Water. Trips. Then it be chess but when I don’t know. No when. No alcohol. Progress. Much of it. Boredom. Much. One trip leads to another. Boredom dissipates and then there is another trip. What a day tripper this chess player is. And handsome also. Yes very.

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As you’ve noticed, I do have a sense of humour and like to mess about. As you can see below.

It could all be true right? 🙂

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Perhaps, just perhaps, I am a little too playful at times but I do like to break boundaries… .

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How do we live out our day-to-day lives without incident? How do we keep ourselves clean and free from distraction or disaster? It takes some practice doesn’t it? And a constant need to rework things I would say. Minor slip ups in life are difficult to dodge, we all fall foul to them from time to time even though we tend to keep an eye out -this is life. Have you ever stepped in something you shouldn’t have? Most probably we all have at one time or another in our lives.

For further food for thought, take a look below at the picture of my good old self. What am I doing in this picture? It could be that I am bending over and having a good hard shit or I could just be happy to be home? A train platform is especially good for accidental backside droppings because many people use them and they are often in a hurry, which means they could skid in your shit. Now wouldn’t that be a delight to watch? Regarding the picture I have attached, I don’t think I was having a shit but I wouldn’t rule it out as I can’t remember everything I’ve done and it is true that I love for put down deliveries for unsuspecting others. What I would like you to do is look at this picture, decide what you think is going on and use that to improve your chess in some way. Above all else think: street, think: step, think: shit, think: chess.

What am I up to here?

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After the popularity of the last post, which had a cracking title and a definite contender for winner of the 2022 award for most hair-raising title for a chess post. Many have written in asking me to add more posts where titled chess players accidentally step in someone’s shit. In an ideal world we would just love to watch someone step in our own accidental shit releases everyday and capture it on video for family viewing on special occasions like Easter and Christmas. Not all of us have had the luxury of watching such videos as we grow up, and so to offset that I shall listen to the requests and rustle up another post. I may even interview some titled players and ask them if they ever trod in shit whilst playing chess and how it affected their game, sitting at the table and playing on with shit all over their shoes. I will report back any findings. And may I tell you from personal experience, if you get the chance to watch someone step in your shit, it’s much better if a woman does that believe me -they go all mad!

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The Q

Question for the day: ‘If you zoom around in fast cars across the city, could this help improve your rating?’

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Er, chess, er yes. So I have an announcement: I’ve given up playing the Vienna game/gambit. Now after 1. e4 I play 2. Nf3 (its better).

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